I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
