I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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