Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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