Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
