the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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