we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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