Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
