So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
