Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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