I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
