I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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