Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
