We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
