Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
