well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
