Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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