i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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