My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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