Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
