i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
