I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
