So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
