a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
