seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
