Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
