I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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