do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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