i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
