I'm jealous of your bromance
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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