i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
