This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
