The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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