Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just found a bag of teeth...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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