I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
