Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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