i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
