I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
jump out the window naked night went bad
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