Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
