I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
