im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Im at strip club and am horny
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
