first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
