Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
