The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
