The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
