his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize