Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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