so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
