If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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