My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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