Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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