He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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