Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
