VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
