ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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