Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
