oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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