i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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