literally had 100 drinks last night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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